Thursday, September 18, 2014

And What IF I Behave Badly

In thinking about things that have worked for us and TTWD in the past, I find that I think even more about things that have not worked for us.  Over and over again, I am reminded that my reactions are a sticking point.

When I behave badly, things quickly get off course and usually grind to a halt.  When I say badly, I don't mean "bratting", because I don't think I do that.  In this context, behaving badly means I have an uncomfortable reaction to something that happens.  I know I have blogged about this before, but it bears repeating - when I am turned on and when I am spanked and when I am in a submissive mindset, I am very pliable - open to everything and there are no inhibitions.  When one or all of those things are not in place, I am stiff, anxious and scarily inhibited.  I don't mean to be that way, but I can't just talk myself out of it.  Believe me, I have tried.

So, something new happens (example:  H fucking me from behind against a hotel room window) and I just react badly.  I get nervous and I giggle and I do everything I can to stop it.  After that, two things invariably happen.  The new thing never happens again.  And two, we go backwards several steps on any progress we have made.  Almost always, I regret my reaction and its results, but never the actual doing.  So why don't we do that new thing ever again?

Do we stop, don't repeat and go backwards because H is being sensitive to my sensitivities or because we aren't really committed to this process in the first place?  Intellectually and in my heart, I am all about overcoming these inhibitions.  It is about doing things I really want to do even when, at that moment, I resist doing them.

I wonder if possible solutions include working to get me in a submissive mindset more carefully and over a longer period of time before trying the new act?  Or do we work more specifically on my learning to match my reactions to my desires?

I think both of those are applicable, but I guess I don't know how to go about making either of those happen.  I gather H doesn't know either.  Or if he does, he hasn't been willing to go that route.  Maybe practice just makes perfect.

Others would probably enforce punishment at this point in time, but we don't have punishment, at least not that I know of - because I also behaved badly the one and only time we tried that.  I am not asking that punishment be reinstituted and I am not categorically refusing discussion on it either.  I am trying to be open to whatever it takes to ensure a successful (unequal) partnership on this.

I am maybe asking for patience and a willingness to keep pushing and do something again and again if that is what H thinks we should do - eventually, I would like to think that my reactions would match my desires.  If not, then maybe I need more than submission to get right in the world.  Maybe I need therapy.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Scheduling TTWD

I ventured a suggestion to H... "Maybe instead of trying to "fix" the contract, we should talk about why it disappeared last time and how we can avoid that happening?"

As succinct as ever, H replied immediately.  Scheduling.

I knew what he meant.  It is hard to schedule TTWD.  I didn't believe it was possible, but as our kiddo ages, it is even harder.  He is awake later, he is more aware of what is going on in the house and you know, the kiddo is not actually the real issue.

The issue is the rhythm of our household.  We are busy people and we have energy at different times and that works well in keeping the house humming, but it does not work well in coming together to play and just be.

But we are not the only people facing these sort of scheduling issues and there are people who are making it work!

So again, I had a question, "Why don't we focus on making it the priority."  (I thought these were outstanding questions by the way.)

H said, It's okay that we can't do it sometimes.  The trick is to know how to start back up again.  And then he said, Sometimes it would be nice to just go to bed without having to think about what we are supposed to do and just cuddle.

I hear what H is saying there, but I disagree.  I don't think it is okay that we can't do it sometimes.  I think that the alternate to not doing it sometimes is that we are in a D/s relationship.  And in a submissive relationship, there may be times that he says, tonight (or this week or while you are finishing that season of busyness or until further notice) we are just going to cuddle and be together and not actively do anything else.  Which would be the same as what happens in normal life cycles, but instead of it just happening and leaving us to wonder what the hell happened, he might acknowledge the cycle and instead take control of it.  And then he could say when that time was over.

Why does that answer seem almost too easy?!?!

Oh yeah, it assumes that I will stop stressing about getting some submission if I am merely instructed to stop stressing because it isn't happening right now.  Come to think of it, I don't think we have tried that exact approach before, so maybe it could work.

UPDATE:  I wrote this yesterday and scheduled it for tomorrow and in the middle H further insisted, It's the same thing over and over.  When I hold your breast, sometimes I just want to hold your breast.  And you always think it means sex.  I laughed and said, "Read tomorrow's blog.  We aren't as far apart as you think we are."  Do you think it's possible that H doesn't know he gets to tell me that he is just going to hold my breast and there will be no sex?  (And if he adds the words, you wanton slut, all the better. Ha.)  He does get to tell me.  The thing is - it is easier if he tells me.  I don't keep quiet and wait to see what he is or isn't going to do very well.  Just an observation on who I am.

As to who he is, I know he doesn't like to tell me, so perhaps he could start with telling and slowly wean me off needing to hear it.  Maybe provide a little training on how I could better serve him.  (I feel like that sounds saucy or smart alecky, but it is truly meant sincerely.)

On another note - yes, I sometimes schedule blogs.  I usually have a burst of things to say and I found that putting up a bunch of them in a 24 hour period doesn't really do me or a subject any justice.  Because I read my blog when it is up.  I (and H) are the main audience here.  And I want an idea to sit on its own for a while.  In this case, it was a good thing I did it that way, because well, it turned out I had more to add. <3

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Sexual Trophy AND OR Submissive Wife

I was reading over at lil's the other day and she said something that has totally stuck with me:

to function at my best as his slave, I do need some reinforcement from him; however, regardless of my level of functioning, I am his property and always will be

I love how she phrased that.  "to function at my best."  Something that we may not realize is a direct correlation to the state of our relationship.  And like lil, I totally need reinforcement.  And H doesn't naturally share.  He tends to share when he is asked direct questions.  This is tricky for me, because I would like him to direct me and he will if I ask, but I don't really want to ask, and well, you know... I think this is a common tale.

Anyway, even though I promised myself that I would not needle H right now, I keep asking him little questions.  Questions like, "Is it better for me to hang back and see what you want to do right now, or should I just start living the contract again?"

And it was that question that informed me that H was looking at the contract.  He is making changes to it, but he is not necessarily ready to let me know what they are.  So the answer is to hang back.

I'm hanging back.  For now.

I haven't even looked at the whole contract in a while.  I did click on the version I put back up on line the other day and a phrase caught my eye...  Slave agrees that she is now the sexual trophy of her Master...

Sexual trophy.

Wow - I like that phrase.  I want to be that phrase.  I hope that phrase (and all that goes with it) is not getting cut from the contract.

But submissive wife... I like that phrase too.  I also want to be that phrase.  And they aren't exactly the same thing.

In my mind, the continuum of a power exchange agreement goes from Christian Domestic Discipline all the way over to hard core BDSM scene play.  Theoretically, sex isn't really the point at either end of the spectrum.  But sex is the point of some of the spectrum.  Or the result.  Or something.  It is definitely something.

Submission does not equal sex.  And sex does not equal submission.  Hence, sexual trophy does not equal submissive wife.

But I want to be both.

And here's why:  H doesn't want me to be weak.  He likes a spunky woman.  The whole point of the submission (as I understand it) is that I am strong in the rest of the world, because no one else can tell me what to do.  Only H has that permission.  And he tends to tell me things that make me ever stronger.

And when I feel sexually powerful, I am more likely to act powerful elsewhere.  AKA sexual trophy.

And when I fell like I am successful in my submission, then I am more likely to act powerful elsewhere.  AKA submissive wife.

It feels like a power exchange bi-polar situation.

But maybe it's not.  I don't know.